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fatkish · 5 months ago

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Could you do pro heroes x teen child reader who has to take some temporary medicine which caused them to gain some weight? As long as they are taking It, their weight isn't budging which is affecting their self esteem, and thus have taken to extreme dieting and how they comfort her? (Best Jeanist and Aizawa)

Aizawa & Best Jeanist x Teen Reader

Self Image Issues

(I too have experienced weight gain issues from taking birth control and now with my depression, I find I struggle the most with motivation and self image, so I kinda understand. I’m trying to lose the weight but it’s so hard and it’s seriously affecting my mental health. Sorry, anyways, onto the Drabble.)

You were a student who was interning with Best Jeanist. You had been interning with him before you took the pills and although he has noticed your weight gain, he has said nothing about it. He assumed you were find until he one day heard you throwing up in the bathroom after he had seen you eating lunch. Before you could leave the agency that day, he asked you to stay back and chat with him for a bit. You had no ideas what this could be about do you agreed.

When Best Jeanist revealed that he heard you throwing up after lunch he wanted to make sure you were okay. If you were starting to get sick then he wanted to walk you home or have one of his sidekicks walk you home. You played it off as something you had eaten made you nauseous so you force yourself to purge whatever was causing the nausea and it worked. It took awhile, but he believed you and let you go.

The next day during school, one of your friends noticed how little food you had brought for lunch and asked if you wanted some of their’s. You politely declined and told them you were on a strict diet and that the medication you’re having to take requires this strict diet. Needless to say, some believed you and those that didn’t merely asked questions or stayed silent.

It wasn’t until you stoped coming to dinner and would only eat like half an apple or nothing that certain people began to question this ‘diet’. Bakugou knew something wasn’t adding up. So he made sure to watch you prepare your lunch the next morning and saw that a lot of the food, contained Iceberg Lettuce. A leafy green that has the nutritional value of cardboard. Sure it might fill you up, but there’s hardly anything you could get from it except water. He watched as you made your lunch with little to no calories or nutritional food. It was mainly just lettuce.

Bakugou wasn’t an idiot, he knew that you had been gaining weight and he had overheard the girls talking about how you had been possibly getting sick since you would be throwing up more often. He put two and two together and decided to inform Aizawa about his suspicions since he didn’t want to mess things up if he was wrong. Aizawa was glad to hear from Bakugou’s input and Aizawa began to keep a closer eye on you.

It was during your interning at Best Jeanist’s agency when you were bringing him some files and ended up passing out due to not consuming enough nutrients for your body. Of course, Best Jeanist called Aizawa to inform him of what happened and that was when they agreed to sit down with the reader to figure out what’s going on. When you woke up, you were still in Best Jeanist’s agency and we’re about to get up to go back to work until you noticed an IV bag attached to tube that connected to a needle in your arm.

“So you’re awake, good, we’d like to talk to you”

You looked over to the couch across from you and saw Aizawa and Best Jeanist sitting there. Best Jeanist remained calm and elegantly poised while Aizawa was hunched over with his elbows in his lap.

“Do you know why you collapsed earlier?” Best Jeanist inquired.

“Um…”

“You fainted due to a lack of nutrients in your body. Your body had been overworking and ran out of energy so it basically shut down on you” Aizawa spoke in a stern tone.

“Your body is like a cloth, if you don’t properly care for it, eventually wear and tear, as well as exposure to its environment will end up destroying the cloth and causing the fabric to fall apart. That’s what you’re doing to your body at the moment by withholding the proper care it requires” Jeanist explained.

“I hate to ask this, but does this have anything to do with your recent weight gain? I’ve noticed, as well as your classmates that your eating habits have changed and not for the better. It’s fine to diet but you have to make sure you do it right or it could cause more harm than good” Aizawa softly inquired.

That’s when you couldn’t look them in the eyes and curled up on the couch and hid your face in your knees the best you could as your started crying. At that, the pro heroes realized that they had hit a sore spot. Your cried as your tried to explain to them how your doctor prescribed you a temporary but necessary medication for you to take but that the medication has caused you to gain weight. You tried to explain about how your self esteem has been affected and how you hate your body but that you tried other kinds of methods to help reduce your weight but it hasn’t worked at all.

You cried as you continued to explain how you grew more desperate as your mental health became worse due to your increase in weight. You told them about how nothing seems to work and you can’t just stop taking the medication since it’s vital for you. After you explained everything you all sat in silence as Best Jeanist handed you a tissue box for your tears.

To keep the reader from extreme dieting, they help the reader count calories and makes sure to help them lose more calories than they take in. Maybe they help look for alternatives for the medicine or look for weigh loss supplements that will help.

Best Jeanist would buy cute clothes for the reader

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paperstarwriters · 1 year ago

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ive come kneeling at your doorstep to beg for that essay on murio and luciels parallels you mentioned 👀💦👉👈

i love loathing lucio so much so it would deal my lil hater ass so much psychic damage and i cannot wait to get rekt

(onlyifyouwanttothoofcoursetakeyourtime)(just making sure youre aware id print that shit n frame it above my bed were it to come to existence)

Hello @tetsuooooooooooo! I know you said I can take my time, ok I'm still really really sorry this took awhile, I've been kinda burnt out from classes lately, and writing a bunch of essays for that lol, but I've managed to make a somewhat coherent argument for my case here lol.

Now, to preface this:

I only really like Lucio as a character to thematically dissect and kick around occasionally for giggles. I am a far, far cry from a Lucio stan, I just find him interesting—like a bug. Honestly I don't think I'm gonna convince you he's in any way a good guy I just might make you loathe him more 😅

I haven't played Lucio's route. I'm too busy and I get too annoyed with some of his antics + the options of reactions that MC is allowed to make. I've only played the side stories and a lot of my understanding of his character is built from Muriel's route (and I know he's much more different in his own route than he is in the others') as well as hearsay from other people talking about Lucio

I know I said that I'd include Aurora's songs in my original statement but that got wayyyyyyy too messy so I'm just opting to exclude them lol. (not to mention youtube is doing a very irritatingly strange thing of deleting and then reuploading Aurora's songs??? so I don't wanna deal with the messy files :/)

With that out of the way here is my essay :)

Wordcount: 2,908

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Muriel and Lucio are both very, very caught up in how they are seen by others. While it's clearer when it comes to Lucio, it is also made clear in Muriel by the fact that Social anxiety is often caused by stress over how a person is perceived and their mental belief that they are helpless to change that perception. This causes of their self perception are also quite similar, due to their similar histories, but in the same way that there are some notable opposites between them with their struggle for their identity there is also some notable differences in their histories that arguably causes the slight difference in their struggle for their self image.

To begin with their history, Muriel and Lucio are noted to both come from the South. They come from two opposing tribes, and are both eventually chased out of their home and community by 1) a cruel person who arguably causes their struggle of identity and 2) the plague. Of course, the major difference here is that Lucio actively made decisions that would lead to him being chased out of his tribe, he was arguably aware that if it failed he'd have to leave, he just hadn't considered that it would actually fail.

Muriel on the other hand is chased out of his home at a much younger age, and he has no choice in his eviction from his home or his family. There is no action that Muriel could have done that would have allowed him to stay where he was, unlike Lucio who had a clear option that would have allowed him to stay.

Or at least would have allowed him to stay until he grew tired of his mother's attitude towards him.

I don't believe that Morga's cruel and dismissive attitude towards Lucio started when he tried to kill her, rather, I believe that she has been doing that for a long, long time. She often states that she had been "too soft" on Lucio, but I think her "softness" is the same kind we see in Muriel's route. She berates him, she threatens him, she tells him how awful and unskilled he is to everyone else and makes a show of his failures, but when she is completely and fully enraged and is about to hit Lucio, she hesitates.

Is that softness? To her perhaps. To the tribe, perhaps. But not to me, and not to Lucio.

So, despite all of the harsh words thrown his way, he decides to take action to prove her wrong. I'm willing to bet that a lot of Morga's criticisms were about how strong he was and how he was in fact not actually as strong as he could have been, not as strong as he should have been. That's why when he takes action to prove Morga wrong, he immediately snaps to killing her. There is, after all, no better way than showing your power than killing your opponent (we see this belief in Morga when she spars against Muriel and he beats her.) Of course, in hand-to-hand combat, and on fair terms, Lucio can't actually defeat his mother, so he takes to more under-handed methods in order to beat her.

When this fails, it is the first major wound on his self-image. He cannot defeat his mother. He is not strong enough to defeat his mother despite cheating.

So, he runs away.

Besides marking a wound on his self-image, this also marks Lucio's connection to others. Having been exiled from his tribe, he is disconnected from the friends who may have actually supported him somewhat, he is robbed of his connections and separated from anyone who may have actually loved and cared for him (platonically and/or romantically)

Similarly, Muriel's separation from his own family, and his eventual abandonment into the streets of Vesuvia separates him from any stable sense of love and affection as well. Because he was separated from loving parents as a child and was likely surrounded by a number of children who were abandoned because they were unwanted, or because their parents were unable to care for them, Muriel has no other answer than what the other kids give him it is the only answer he has. Further more I believe that Muriel was probably abandoned by that merchant because they were unable to keep feeding him, which he also attaches onto his real parents as to why he was abandoned in the first place.

And so Muriel believes himself to be unloved and unlovable after being separated from family, or any semblance of a family.

Returning to Lucio, he moves on from his tribe and eventually joins a military group(? I think? Idk. I'm sure there was a specific name for it but I can't remember sorry) Once again, this is an act of trying to prove to his mother and to his community that they were wrong, and when compared to the ordinary person outside of their tribe, he's actually a really good and capable fighter. Of course, however, this is inevitably cut short as he looses his arm, and is once again confronted with the fact that he is unskilled as a warrior and so he retreats from his perceived deficiency and takes a different route to getting the love and admiration he wants—politics.

Of course, as we see in Muriel and Asra's childhood tale, this inevitably puts him into direct conflict as, in order to climb the social ladder he offers to "clean up" the streets. While it's largely left up to interpretation as to whether or not the Threat of Asra's safety came first or Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, I can't help but believe that Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, as otherwise, he might've gone out and tried to check on Asra's safety. (though this is mostly a headcannon) I believe that Lucio offered Muriel a chance to have some say in who gets "cleaned up" from the streets, and for Muriel to be able to get rid of the "actually bad criminals". Regardless of whether or not this is true, the arena gives Muriel his first taste of admiration, as people cheer for and adore him, but it also tears that sense of admiration away as he eventually has to come to terms with what he is doing. Whether that sense of dread and awareness was always there or it occurred somewhere in the middle is also unknown but the outcome is the same regardless. Being known and being admired becomes tied to hurting and harming people—because it is the only trait he sees that other people admire, he sees it as his only lovable trait.

And so Lucio and Muriel begin to reflect each other—and I don't mean reflect as in they show the same image, I mean reflect as in we see a similar image, but the image is reversed (*wink wink nudge nudge*). Here Muriel sees himself as only capable of being loved for his ability to commit violence, and Lucio sees himself as being incapable of being loved because he cannot complete the amount of violence he needs to commit.

Now, I feel the need to emphasize here, despite having many people around him who Lucio may truly believe love and admire him, the people around him very likely don't actually care for him very much because they either do not know him well, or they see him as little more than a pawn in a plan, or at least someone who gives them benefits. And even if there are a number of people with genuine admiration for Lucio, it still wouldn't be enough. Admiration is never enough when you lack genuine emotional connections with others, and Lucio, clearly does.

Again, this parallels Muriel who also struggles with a lack of genuine emotional connections to others. Although he has Asra with him, it's clear that, Asra's tendency to be fickle with connections has extended to him as well, especially when Asra spends more time with MC than him, leaving Muriel feeling abandoned and alone. Considering that Asra is the only person we ever really see Muriel connect or talk to, it's no stretch to say that Asra is one of Muriel's only friends, if not their only friend period, and so with Asra disappearing on him as often as they do, Muriel is left feeling that he actually has no connections at all.

Of course once again reflecting each other, where Muriel clearly sees he lacks connections and pretends he does not, Lucio, makes unsteady transactional rather than emotional relationships and pretends that that is enough.

It is of course, not enough, because if it were, he wouldn't have treated Muriel like that, he likely wouldn't have plucked Muriel out at all. Although this is largely speculation, I believe that Lucio treated Muriel the way he did because he feels as if Muriel is the very child Morga would have wanted. He is big and strong, and although not technically skilled if Muriel were raised by Morga like Lucio was, he might've been. This is why his first reaction to seeing Muriel and Morga working together is that Muriel is Morga's replacement son. It's because that's how Lucio had been treating him. Muriel is Lucio's little avatar to live out the glory of being a fantastically skilled fighter who can beat up all of his opponents. This is also, why I believe that Lucio purposefully trained Muriel to be less skilled in fighting than he was. In Muriel's route, Lucio comments that he's always been able to beat Muriel, and while I do in fact believe that Lucio is actually a skilled fighter, despite how he is often presented and despite my arguments above—he's most often a skilled fighter in the technical sense. He knows all the movements, he knows all the strategies, he knows all the underhanded tricks. By not fighting Muriel too often, and refusing to teach him these tricks however much it may be able to help Muriel out in the arena, it allows Lucio to be able to defeat him whenever he wants to. It allows Lucio to make it seem to himself that he is better than the person his mother would have wanted as a son, which I believe to be both horrible but also sad, for both Lucio and Muriel.

With Lucio, it shows how desperate and inferior he feels with his fighting skills, constantly trying to compensate for it something we can also see that in the portrait of himself he has in his room.

For Muriel, it keeps him scared, and keeps him pinned in place despite having realized the consequences of his fighting. Something which only furthers his self-hatred when he realizes he actually could have easily left.

So yes, Muriel and Lucio are both very self conscious people, and while for Muriel his self consciousness stems from people seeing him as a monster, and him believing that he is one although he does not want to be one, Lucio is self-conscious in the fact that he is not seen as the brutal fighting warrior he was supposed to be.

These reflected aspects of each other, alongside of their self consciousness is the very thing they struggle through in their routes, the very thing that MC helps them to get through.

Lucio believes that through various paintings of himself that rearranges his past (paintings of himself as a triumphant fighter, while his mother is demure and elegant), various unfair/practically staged fights, and celebrations of himself on top of it all, he would be able to convince people that he is awesome and amazing and that he deserves to be loved. In doing all of this however, Lucio runs away from confronting the beliefs at his core and wondering if perhaps, what he understood as traits that make a person great may be incorrect—that his mother had not just been incorrect on the fact that he was a failure, but on the fact of what makes a person successful or powerful. By constantly covering up what he sees as deficits, Lucio skims over his own internal struggles entirely which makes him look foolish and annoying as he ignores what's so clearly there for others.

Meanwhile, for Muriel, he is aware of his deficits, and is unable to properly hide them without disappearing completely himself, he tries to figure out and fix all of his problems through introspection and isolation, but it is not something he can do on his own. Muriel of course, can't accept the fact that he may need help. He can't accept the fact that despite what he believes of himself, other people may actually care for him the same way he cares for them, and will actually offer help. And so, as he runs away from people and community, from friends, and possible friends alike, Muriel runs away from his own problems as well, even if he tortures himself with confronting them (I can't remember if he actually does this or if this is a fanfic trope 😅) Essentially, by constantly trying to deal with his struggles on his own, he neglects his connections to others who may help him, or at least offer support.

And then MC comes along, and because they both desperately needed that deep connection to someone else, regardless of whether it is something platonic or romantic. MC is able to leverage their relationship in order to further propel Muriel and Lucio's development into acknowledging the thing they refuse to acknowledge, and finally balance out their coping mechanisms, which, on their own isn't actually unhealthy (Lucio's really good at connecting with others; Muriel knows how to confront his inner turmoil) using that single method as their crutch for their traumas only ever hurts them more.

As Muriel progresses through his route, he grows more connected with his community and people. One meaningful moment that I don't think they give enough screen time in the game is the moment that Muriel is forced to confront people recognizing and seeing him again. He's forced to confront everyone's perception of him, their memory of him and he retreats into the mirror maze where he stares at all these reflections of himself, all reversed images of himself, but he believes them all to accurately represent himself—as if his superficial physical image is what represents himself mentally and emotionally. And then MC (and Morga 🙄) come through to him and pull him out of that panic attack (or interrupt and yank him away from properly addressing the problem in Morga's case 😤) And that's the first step to being loved. As they say, in order to let yourself be loved you have to let yourself be known, and in that first step, choosing to step forward and prioritize the lives of others over his own self image, Muriel begins to be admired by others. Genuinely admired, for traits that he likes in himself rather than traits that he hates.

Similarly for Lucio, (although I haven't played his route so this is largely based on hearsay) he's faced with problems that he Has to face on his own (or at least somewhat on his own) the main one being that he has to confront the consequences of his own actions, he has to acknowledge to himself that he isn't perfect and that he can't be perfect. It's why at the end of his route on the upright ending, he leaves Vesuvia, to take on a life of (semi)solitude to further take some time to improve his ability at introspection, while in the Reversed ending he's still talking with people, still trying to manipulate their perceptions of him (and the MC), and still trying to be a "good boy" (ie. perfect) for the MC.

Now, it may be argued that Julian can/should be included in this struggle of how others perceive him but I raise you this; that guy is the most dramatic ass dude in town and his biggest dramatic act was telling everyone about how horrible he is. He clearly has no issues with how other people see him, but he has problems with how he sees himself, which again, reflects Muriel a bit, but I'm sure most people are familiar with their (more blatant) similarities by now lol

So yea.

Muriel and Lucio are reflections of each other. At their core, they both struggle with the same problem of caring way too much about how they're seen by others, but they cope with (and thus worsen) the problem in opposite ways, so when they take steps to heal themself, they also go in opposite directions, with Lucio needing to take some time to himself to get into his own head, while Muriel needs some time away from himself to get out of his own head.

Essentially they're heading in opposite directions to reach the same conclusion: other people's opinions don't matter as much as your own opinion of yourself and the opinions of the people close to you.

Interesting parallels, no?

Of course, I believe this could've been better illustrated if Nyx Hydra didn't rush the last three routes, but alas, this is what fan fiction and fan-analysis is for lol

Anyways I don't tend to poke around the Lucio side of the fandom too much to begin with so if this has all been said and argued before forgive me for the repetition, and If I've gotten some points wrong, please feel free to correct me! I've mentioned before I haven't really played through Lucio's route so some things may be wrong.

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noxiatoxia · 1 year ago

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k so like, saw ur reply and got so flippin excited its unreal. thank you so much for the art tips btw :)) u are just so cooll for that

and ALSO LIKE I HAVE SO MANY MUCH OURAN THOUGHTS I CANT FUCKING FOcus especially referring to the shojo weasley twins auughh i have this one thats been eating at me for awhile.. (ive been really wanting to write a fic about it actually) cause i was reading up on codependent attachment styles and the more extreme ways they can manifest, particularly when things start getting delusional, and i started thinking like. kaoru and hikarus issues dont just solely stem from codependency, they literally never had a solid identity of their own. the whole "pretending to be the other" thing they do particularly irked me; they were each others shadow, so one of them couldnt even define their personality as separate through being "less than" or "the unnoticed twin" or something. they might as well have been one whole person to the outside world right? so like, how long before someone starts believing its completely true? like literally true. that this one person you are so desperately, suffocatingly tied to might as well have been yourself? and more importantly, what would happen if one day that person disappeared? what you would be left with, psychologically? would you start believing that you ARE that person now that theyre gone? or maybe not even that theyre really gone per say, youve just become them, or theyve become you? just to cope with the loss? and everyone would believe that youre actually them too, only reinforcing the delusion... you and your other half were identical, afterall.

okay its a really dark and angsty concept but like i live for the angst and im so so interested in the idea of them being separated for like excruciatingly long due to some really dire circumstances, maybe before they meet the host club? or maybe in this au im coming up with on the spot they never join the club at all? so theyre even MORE vulnerable to the consequences of something like this happening, and the need for the other steadily increases until they reach like a breaking point. what would that breaking point be? if/when they reunited, how unhealthy would the new anxious foundation for that relationship become? How possessive and/or protective would they get over each other and their shared identity as exclusively a couple? how scared would they be to even acknowledge themselves as individuals? how would their individual reactions differ? (i have A LOT of ideas but id love to know your thoughts) AND HOW FUCKING CATHARTIC WOUDL IT BE, IF AFTER ALL THAT, THEY GROW TOGETHER OUT OF THAT DARK PLACE?? THROUGH A STEADY JOURNEY OF LOVE AND HARDSHIP??? AND THEN JOIN THE HOST CLUB STARTING OUT AS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DYNAMIC??? WHAT WOUDL THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE???? god i fucking need to write about thuiss ugghhh i need promptss anyway i know this was long lol but i am ACHING to hear some thoughts on this

HI DUDE HI!!!!!! firstly. your header. im looking at your blog header. i am holding a gun to your head. send me that image. i need it. i need it. what the fuuuck............WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

OKAOKAY secondly...i also live for angst and exploring psychological effects n stuff which is a big part of why i love the twins' interactions. they are so mentally unwell it is insane.

I DO really like your commentary on how they are "each others shadow" because that is SO true. I know a lot of people portray kaoru as thinking he is "lesser" than hikaru and while i do think that's true, i think it's also true that kaoru knows (at least, until things started changing in highschool) that both of them were equally needed to "create" one person, at least that's how he viewed it. he specifically said "the one who isn't me is hikaru, and the one who isn't hikaru is me", implying the only difference between them was this undefinable trait of simply...they aren't the same person just because they have two different physical bodies. of course deep down they know they are different, at least kaoru does, but idk if they even realize how different they are. after all, being confused for another person your whole life and being interchangeable would fuck up anybody's self perception. in my personal opinion/theory, its only after the host club starts and differences between them become more noticable to the point not only themselves but the outside world, little by little, can start actually ascribing concrete and tangible traits to "hikaru" and "kaoru". I think it's at that point kaoru begins to think he's the "lesser" twin, or whatever.

anywho, BIG fan of the idea of one of them going missing/dead/etc etc and it affecting the mental health of the other big time. i've read multiple fics where one of the twins dies and the other twin just completely loses it, even begins to assume the identity of the dead twin as some sort of coping mechanism. it's horribly fucked up but that's what makes it so interesting.

what's interesting is, i have two different stories i wrote (well one at least, the other exists just in my head sigh) and in both of them, one of the twins either dies or is missing, and the effect leads the other twin to adopt more traits from their sibling.

to elaborate, i wrote a short story (less of a story, more of a whole premise post, you can find it on this blog it was to an ask i responded to) where kaoru passed due to taking his own life, and hikaru was left to pick up the pieces of that. the situation left him to be more introverted, secluded, and quiet, much like kaoru was. this included even picking up traits of his unknowingly, like blocking the world out by reading, something hikaru never really did but kaoru did a lot.

on the other hand, i have a fic i might write.....maybe.....some day.....where kaoru is forced to enroll in a different school separate from hikaru, and this includes living away from hikaru in a different estate (idk why their parents prob caught them engaging in incest who fucking knows with these two. do they know what they do in that club. surely they cant be cool with it). anyways, kaoru, feeling lost, scared, and indignant about being forcibly separated from hikaru and in an unfamiliar house, begins acting rude, snappy, and irritable. first day at the new school all he does is get in trouble with teachers and other students for being rude and instigating fights. he basically becomes full of raw emotions that he doesn't know how to handle and just. rages at people. kind of like hikaru would.

idk, i just think its an interesting concept, esp if their behavioral changes are not intentional and it just sort of...happens. could be a coping thing, who knows.

ughhh your concept tho..........exquisite. it reminds me of a fic i was writing here that....i need to finish.......where kaoru gets critically injured via an attempt on his life by someone and hikaru goes ballistic. but, taking that a step further, if something happened to one of the twins or they were, like u said, separated for a long time, i cannot IMAGINE how they would act once together again. somehow even more clingy and protective of one another i'd assume. hikaru would be very loud and obvious with how controlling and worried he is, just wanting to keep kaoru by his side 24/7, while kaoru i think would be quieter, just...silently following hikaru everywhere, being overtly anxious and voicing concerns over things that could go wrong all the time, generally not letting him leave his sight. the co dependency is real....

#;noxiatalks2ya #ohshc #hikakao #sorry for typos im too tired to proof read aughaughaugh

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some-of-us-watch-the-sunset-too · 2 years ago

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hey i would love to see what characters you pair me with. i haven't really been in the fandom or considered who i would work with best for awhile so i'm curious to see if it's changed since i was younger.

okay so my name is leo, im sixteen, im a junior in highschool. i identify as a gender-fluid gay guy (i like men and use he/him pronouns). i have golden-reddish (it's a strange color) hair down to my chest although i want to get it cut/get layers in it soon. i have green eyes. i wear glasses that are thick-rimmed and nerdy. i have naturally long eyelashes. i have a very square jaw and pale skin. i have random dark freckles on my arms here and there. im 5'6. my style is literally all over the place but usually im either in sweatpants and a sweatshirt (either a purple rhett and link one or a beige on with different colored pickles on it) or a graphic tee shirt, jeans, and a denim or leather jacket.

personality wise well i like to think of myself as a pretty creative person. i try to find meaning in the mundane in my life. im not religious although i do enjoy tarot and crystals. i have always had a problem with building myself around other people. ill get addicted to certain friends to fill a void in me that thinks people need to save me/fix me. this doesn't work because it leads me to be very codependent and when people leave me (which they can! it's natural. nothing lasts forever) it totally messes up my self esteem. so im trying to build that self love and develop better relationships with other people.

i like art and writing, fall out boy, the outsiders, good mythical morning. i like learning about LGBTQ history, especially the aids crisis. im currently reading a book on it right now called "and the band played on." my favorite foods is shells with cheese. i like good friends and people that i can connect with on a deeper level. i like when people i talk to have lives that don't revolve around me. i also enjoy surrealist sculpture. i really enjoy felix gonzalez-torres's work. i like all sorts of different types of music. lately ive been very into folk, 80s new wave, and 2000s pop punk/emo.

i dislike terfs and transphobes and homophobes and things like that. i absolutely loathe loud chewers. i have a mental disorder called misophonia and so the sounds of chewing trigger me and trigger my fight or flight. it's absolutely horrible. i hate stupid people. i don't like peanut butter. i hate when people make aids jokes. i hate not feeling included or hated. i care a lot about my image and i hate when it looks bad.

i like to make art and write poetry. i listen to a lot of music, even though i can't make any. for art, i like working with graphite pencil and colored pencil the most, but i work with all different things in class. im in advanced arts classes at school. i auditioned when i was in middle school and now im gonna take ap art next year. for poetry, i usually write in free verse about personal things. i have a livejournal i post on sometimes. i run a poetry/art magazine club at my school where people can share things they've made.

i think that covers pretty much everything! sorry for how insanely long this is. i hope that sums up myself pretty well. i try to be myself. just yourself be if weird is you.

i think i’d match you with dallas! i’m a firm believer that dally has a very soft side so i think he’d love to both our little braids in your hair and to draw on your arms. he would love if you drew him. i could imagine you sitting on dally’s bed in bucks place while he’s leaning out the window smoking a cigarette. then you’d start making little sketches of him. once he notices he’d start flexing his muscles and posing n stuff.

there you have it hope it’s alright!

#the outsiders matchup #the outsiders #dallas winston #ponyboy curtis #darry curtis #sodapop curtis #johnny cade #steve randle #two-bit mathews

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angelfishofthelord · 3 years ago

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📓?

okay time to talk about my cannibal angel idea. and no this is not inspired by hannibal i've had this idea for like a year now. even thought of changing my url to cannibalangels at some point. this gets realllly long so more under the cut

anyways. s9 again. cas is an angel, so like sometime after the midseason? the idea is that there's a zombie-esque virus that happens as a result of the heaven's fall/the separation of the host. like after the fall the angels are no longer together, their grace isn't connected the way it used to be, and then (science mumbo jumbo) voila virus! once infected the virus makes angels rabidly hungry for grace, and since they're not in heaven the only other source of grace is each other so yeah, they start attacking and devouring each other. (dean: sounds like a them problem/cas: slaps the back of his head)

cas gets infected when trying to save one of his siblings from an infected angel. he does save the sibling and he knows that he's infected but he hides it from sam and dean by feeding the hunger for grace by eating...yeah you guessed it...himself. eventually sam or dean sees like entire chunks of his arm missing and they find out. the problem is that by eating his own grace (autocannibalism) he's weakening his own ability to reproduce grace/heal himself. so at some point he's going to eat himself to death/not be able to recover.

enter gabriel. who is alive because i want him to be. he's like ive seen an outbreak of this virus thousands of years ago. sam and dean are like Great how do we cure it? gabriel says we didn't. we killed all the infected angels. (cas: yes absolutely kill me/everyone else: stfu)

gabriel is determined to save cas ofc so he flaps off to find a cure. not before gabriel lets cas feed on him so he doesn't have to eat himself for awhile (archangels dont get the virus cuz their grace is special). cue the classic horror scene of someone with their back to the audience and then someone else's bloody face appears over their shoulder. gabriel is just *holding cas close, telling him its okay* while cas is *half crying half chewing through him*.

Also. in case gabriel isnt back in time and cas gets hungry again, cas insists that they set up precautions so he doesnt hurt anyone, angel or human. So they have to put him a straightjacket and hannibal-esque mouth-mask to keep him from eating himself. gabriel tells sam and dean that they have to let cas eat a little of himself every day, or cas'll go insane from the hunger much faster and become feral. Every morning its like *okay feeding time* (sam undoes the jacket and mask) cas: pls don't watch/sam: you know i have to stay here and make sure you don't eat too much/cas: still turns away in shame

god writing this would Destroy me. i just have like mental images of cas in his full straightjacket-hannibal-mask-get-up spending time with the boys like. leaning his head on sam's shoulder when he reads to him. squished in between sam and dean on the sofa for movie night. lying on his side on the bed and dean curled up beside him. it would be the most tragic devastating adorable thing ever.

#my fanfic ideas #tw cannibalism #cannibal angels #this idea is so close to my heart but i Know it would shatter me #spn horror

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phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust · 3 years ago

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I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

#mclennon #discussion

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squarefriend · 3 years ago

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CHARACTER MEME WITH ACHENAR >:3c

Ohohohohhohohohoho Ace my friend, you have made the mistake of allowing me to ramble about Achenar >:)

(Spoilers for Myst I - IV bellow btw)

Achenar:

🔵 favorite thing about them: Easily his redemption arc. I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I was automatically favoring him in the first game (can’t go wrong with big, burly, and feral) but OHMAN. His arc is so well done??? And setting it over the twenty odd years he was trapped on Haven just makes it feel much more real and believable. And you can do clearly see his difference in mind set and his progression through his journals I just AAAAAAA. And knowing that he dies a good man just hits extra hard, ya know??? Also because I have a HUGE soft spot for monkeys and other primates haha.

🔵 least favorite thing about them: This is more of a thing with the game itself as opposed to Achenar but the continuity errors make me kinda sad. I feel like they really could’ve played with both brothers recognizing the stranger and how that in turn effected their actions. Other than that though, pretty much nothing. The closest I can come is what he did in his earlier years (cause murder and torture are kinda a shitty thing to do) but they fit in too well with his characterization and arc to complain ^^.

🔵 favorite line: Can I say his entire second journal in Haven???? Cause that. It perfectly demonstrates the man he has become and how hard it was to get there. No joke, I cry every time I hear it being read. He just sounds so tired… But if I had to choose a line from those pages it would be,

“THEY'VE GIVEN ME A NAME! What am I supposed to do with this, Father?!! What am I supposed to do?”

Ow.

🔵 brOTP: Hard choice. I’d have to go with either the Stranger or Yeesha. I ADORE thinking about what would’ve happened if he lived. I think the Stranger and him would bond and become buddies as he heals, and he’d confide in them a lot. I like the mental image of them helping him out on Haven (it’s more a home than a prison now) sometimes, or bringing him goods. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND him being a good big bro to Yeesha. They room together for awhile, make up for lost time. He takes her out on trips to Haven sometimes, and she tries to teach him about stars. By the end they all three have friendship bracelets.

🔵 OTP: No one actually. I head cannon him as aro/ace haha

🔵 nOTP: Any of his siblings. It makes me VERY uncomfortable lmaooo

🔵 random headcannon: Achenar actually learned a lot about cooking while trapped on Haven. When you don’t have a lot of ingredients, you get creative, because even Mr. Sleeps-on-a-LITTERAL-bedframe over there is going to get tired of the same dish over and over again. Plus he mentions (rather morbidly) wanting to know what Primate tastes like. So yeah. He learned a thing or two, and can make a MEAN fried plantain.

🔵 unpopular opinion: Well. I don’t really have many, considering I agree with the majority of the fandom of most things haha! The biggest is that I think if Achenar survived it would take quite some time to actually be ok with his family again. There’s a lot of raw nerves on both sides, and they take a while to figure eachother out again. Also in my brain he inevitably moves willingly back to Haven and settles there.

🔵 song i associate with them: oh god don’t make me pick— Ok so. Sugar by System of a Down for preHaven Achenar, Vagabond by Misterwives for postHaven Achenar, and Brave as A Noun by AJJ for an ‘if he lived’ AU. Also I am going to mention Worksong by Hozier because I can’t not talk about Myst and not plug a buddies fic that has forever tied that song and Achenar in my brain.

(It’s called ‘fret none about what my hands and my body have done’ by @sugarweregoingdownswinging please read it, it is so so so so good. Here’s the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30179244 )

🔵 favorite picture of them: the classic:

#myst game #d’ni #not undertale #sorry people who are following me for merely Undertale content #Achenars like half a set of red and blue colour coded brothers so CLOSE ENOUGH #Anyways #he’s my poor little meow meow I make the rules #Achenar #ask game

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otherlycreatures · 6 years ago

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I think i once had a fey with me…but its a little hard to explain

You see i cant exactly…remember if i did. I would love to be decisive but ive been mulling over this and trying to remember for awhile now and its still so…ill try to explain the best i can please forgive any rambling you and atri are the only few i can talk about this with

I have a very spotty and patchy memory, lile black outs in varying sized portions of memories, some due to mental health related reasons. As such i dont remember alot from when i was younger before the summber before 9th grade(i am twenty now for referrence). But sometimes when im sitting in the sun or im in a car with the breeze hitting my face and very particular songs start playing and i close my eyes i get these…like little flashes of images or even things almost like brief memories(?) of…someone.

Usually when it happens i cant see them long enough to get a full clear image because something around me always causes me to open my eyes.

But even when its completely unrelated things they all feature a person the feels the same in every single one. And they are by no means coherent. A brief image of longer fingers playing with my hair, a image of a crooked smile, a very brief and hazy glimpse of dark(?) Hair, eyes mid blink, sometimes a wisp of laughter at the end of a song, the list could go on and on if i let myself babble too much. But every time the person has the same feeling and aura to them. Its comforting and familiar but sometimes feels…like i should be cautious? But that feeling is always in the very back of my head. Im not sure if its a fae or maybe just a odd reoccuring daydreams because im so tired from work and i want to draw these things out but theyve been so fleeting and ive been so tired they just slip away and i…i dont know. Id like to remember because i hate forgetting people but by the time im able to put a pencil to paper i never get it right…sorry for rambling i just, im lost on what i should do and any advice would be appreciated, but you dont need to if its a hassle since i know the writer has been so busy. Best wishes

____________

The Fae Speak:

It very likely is someone real that you do or did know in some way. The fact that they are appearing at random times in blips of memories or visions, tells more about them trying to get in contact with you now about something, or to awaken something they want, need, or want you to know now. Just memories for the sake of memories don’t usually show up exactly that way.. at least this feels more like someone trying to contact you or to remember something. Whether it’s Fae or not is hard to tell with the limited information of just what you’ve described, although the fact that you sometimes hear music, or more a mischievous glimmer to the presence, and laughter does lean to the possible of a Fae.

He recommends meditating like I, the writer have done, to try to aide in opening up the channels and see what comes in. If you don’t know how to do self hypnosis meditation on your own, there are some very good ones that will guide you on youtube that you can listen to, as well. See if you connect or see anything, or get anymore impressions. Just make sure to use proper precautions that you are not inviting in just anything, but the one that is ‘appearing’.

#ask the fae #asks #submission #nightmaretyrantvantas

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wintercosmicskye · 6 years ago

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should I start a Vlinny ask blog or comic?

I've been playing with the idea for awhile now, and won't start either or immediately. I dont think doing both at the same would be a good idea, so I made a fuckinnng Google form thing (cuz I dont know what else to use, and there's more than part to it). I just wanted to see what other people thought. You don't have to fill it out. But you can if you want to. If you think I should do neither, just pick " I dont care", "I didn't pick ask blog" and "I didn't pick comic". Ill go into more detail about the ask blog and comic under the keep reading, here's the form link (I hope it works): https://goo.gl/forms/8x6B4bVubOjzUVi52

Comic:

The comic would be about Vlinny's time on the island; how he was "made" by the jahns, life on the Jahn home planet, his travel to earth, and the events of Tomodachi Life from Vlinny's perspective. I technically have another comic idea, the other, being: a comic about Vlinny's Miitopia atonement (I headcannon Miitopia as a prequel that happened generations before Tomodachi), though im leaning a little more toward the Tomodachi era one.

Pros:

I've had a story in mind for awhile, and I'd love to show others

Maybe youll enjoy it?

Id really like to see if i could tackle a project like that

Could get me to draw more consistently

Cons:

It's a rather big project, and it could take me awhile to even start it

I've never made an ongoing comic before, so i dont entirely know what I would be walking into

Life can get into way, messing up times when i upload

Ask Blog:

The ask blog would actually take place AFTER the events of Tomodachi life. Vlinny, after deciding he was too sick of earth and hoping he could maybe find an answer to bringing Dheerse back, Vlinny goes into space again, but gets stranded on an icy planet (like the one in my header image thing). He only really has you guys (as askers) to talk to. Even though it takes place after Tomodachi, what happened previously will take the form as sort of flashbacks and when talking about things that had previously happened (Aw, Fuck, I just realized this kinda spoils my comic, if thats chosen. Oh well, Frodo, it's the fuckin journey, amirite?) The ask blog would actually be kinda be story based, as events move both forwards and backwards.

Pros:

It would probably be easier to handle over the comic, as even when life gets in the way, answering some questions would probably go smoother over having to complete entire updates

Ask blogs always looked like so much fun! (Though most of the previously existing Vlinny ask blogs are now gone r.i.p. :'( )

My idea for the ask blog's story is a little more blurry, but i think that might work well for an ask blog, and the story could form itself abit as we go along

Could probably start it sooner than the comic

Cons:

Would actually require people to send me asks, which may not be a guarantee, but i hope people will...

Once again, ive never really done an ask blog, but im definitely willing to try

Life, again, but probably easier to manage

Additional Notes:

I headcannon Tomodachi era Vlinny as having amnesia of the time when he was the dark curse/reborn, but theres still abit of a mental imprint. In the comic, it would only really be shown through deja vu, nightmares he can't explain, and a bit of his ice powers acting up every now and again, but he doesn't realize they're powers. Oh, and his true form, but I'm not sure if he would turn into it during the comic, but he almost does a few times. He actually probably does, but he doesn't remember what happens afterward, kinda like when you're drunk (yes, i just compared Vlinny going into his true form to being drunk, he DOES lose control of himself abit, but after an extended period of time,he would begin to regain his composure abit, so in the comic it would only be very brief periods). There will definitely be some true form moments on the ask blog. Also, his powers start to go really haywire, and he also has his wings now. Vlinny will also sometimes question his sanity, and whether or not when he crash landed he actually died and entered the 9th circle of Hell (but hes not actually dead, I promise). In both, plenty of chaos ensues. Vlinny also begins to gain a bit more memory, but not too much.

Anon magic would have limits. Sure, anons can do a lot of shit, but they can't do ANYTHING they want. I wont say exactly what the limits are, because if ask blog is chosen, then it might be fun to test the limits, see what will work and what won't.

Vinemon and the animal crossing crossover isn't cannon in either the comic or ask blog. This is because i cant really find a place for them on my timeline. My headcannons also kinda clash with how Vlinny is in vinemon, so it wouldn't really make sense. I can almost see the animal crossing one as, like, Vlinny's own game of ACNL, where he bought the game with the intention of having fun, only to vomit his bottled emotions all over his town ("yEs ISabElLe, I'm FiNe, THerEs nOthIng wrOng!") If you see them as cannon, then thats fine, it's just my personal choice *shrugs*

That's all I can think of to say right now, thank you to who ever actually read all this shit, I took me awhile to type XP

I'm actually leaning towards the ask blog abit myself, but I wanted to see what other people thought...

The form also includes varying URL ideas for the ask blog, so ye

#vlinny #comic #ask blog #vinesauce #survey #sorry #long post #artist:cosmicskye #cosmic word vomit

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jasonfvkingtodd · 6 years ago

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Wolf [Part 1]

Warnings: Slight mention of mental illnesses

I awoke with a throbbing headache from the earlier 'session'. Ive been stuck in this cell, tortured for weeks or even months on end in 'The Lab'. My own blood was on the floor and walls of the cells, it stank like the pits of hell. Why were they doing this? Both my tank top and tactical pants were caked with blood. When was the last time I actually cleaned up? Fuck.

A group of men burst into the cell and dragged me across a long corridor, illuminated with bright white lights. A bald man with a goatee wearing a white lab coat greeted me. As from what I’ve have gathered from the conversations my captors had, his name was Sadiq.

"Jasmine, nice to see that you've... recovered. Lets begin with our next session." Sadiq smirked.

I then glanced down to find that the stab wound from the previous time you were in The Lab healed fully.

The men tied me down to a examining table, awaiting for Sadiq's instruction. Not having enough energy to resist them, I laid there, exhausted and hopeless, awaiting the pain that’s about to come. Then, out of nowhere, men were shouting outside the Lab, followed by guns firing. Sadiq looked worried, terrified even and ran out of the room. Not so tough now huh.

Minutes later, the entire facility sat in a deafening silence. I started to realize why Sadiq was scared shitless. Something took out the entire facility within minutes. Strapped to the table, i was left defenseless. Unable to turn my head, I heard the door opening behind, followed by a dark shadow with... pointy ears? Was this a joke? A face loomed over, it was covered by a cowl. The man’s face was impossible to read. He then sunk a syringe into your neck as you slowly faded into oblivion.

Whispers were heard as you laid on what felt like a metal surface. “You can’t just bring someone like this into the cave Master Bruce. Especially not a criminal!”, a British sounding voice exclaimed. “She’s in need of immediate medical attention that even the best hospital in Gotham can’t provide,” a deeper, American sounding voice replied. How was I a criminal?

They’re going to torture me again. Another one of Sadiq’s mind games. The man in the mask moved towards me, his face inches away.

“Why are you in Gotham,” he growled.

“ I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I blatantly said.

“Let me ask you once more. Why. Are. You. In. Gotham.” The man in the mask repeated.

I remained silent. No point answering him anymore. He remained silent for a while, thinking.

“Do you remember fighting me?” He asked.

“No.” I answered.

“Do you remember fighting me for that thumbdrive?”

“Uhm no.” I hesitated. What on earth?

“She doesn’t remember a single thing from 6 months ago.” The man in the mask said to the older guy in a suit standing beside him, both seemed… vexed. Maybe I was really rescued.

The man then turnt to the machine and administered another substance into the IV drip. Before I could panic, I immediately felt the effect of the knockout drug, as waves of fatigue crashed over me, before I drifted back into nothingness.

I woke up to warm rays of sunlight on my face. Sunlight. Huh. It’s been forever since I’ve seen the sun. Last time I saw it… well, Sadiq almost executed me. Just one of his mind games.

“Good morning Miss.” The British guy walked in the room just as I was about stand up. I tensed up, my body on alert. I’m much stronger now, I can fight back. “You’re safe here. Don’t worry Miss…?”

“Jasmine. You can just call me Jasmine.” I managed to stutter out. That’s what I presume, my name I mean. Sadiq always calls me that. I never knew my name, I can’t even remember who were my parents.

“At your service Miss Jasmine. Oh, where are my manners. Alfred Pennyworth, at your service. If you need anything, ring the bell.” He gestured to your nightstand where a dainty-looking hand bell stood.

“Yes… Sure, thank you. May I ask where am I?” I probed. This sounded too good to be true.

“You’re staying in Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne’s ‘house’” He replied.

Who? Who the tell was that? I gave a puzzled look to him. I heard him mutter under his breath, “Oh dear Lord, this is even worse than what Master Bruce has made it to be.”

He cleared his throat, “Would you like a tour around the manor Miss Jasmine?”

With that, I was cooped up in this manor for 2 months, recuperating. Not that I’m complaining, it’s been the best days of my life. On the plus side, I was getting stronger everyday, getting smarter everyday. I eventually found out who Bruce Wayne was, billioniare ‘playboy’, secretly Batman. Funny how I knew Batman first before Bruce Wayne. But like all the Robins before me, I found hope again.

The first time I met Bruce (a few days after I woke up in the manor), I hugged him. I know, totally not the most awkward thing to ever do when you first meet the Batman. Still, no regrets. “Thank you. For saving me.” I choked out. He smiled (HE ACTUALLY SMILED). And that was our first non-hostile exchange of information. He’s the sweetest person, although he doesn’t actually show it. He became a father figure to me after the 2 months.

As weeks passed, he started teaching me martial arts as I recovered. ‘To neutralize threats’ he would tell me, ‘is to take each and everyone of them down in the fastest way possible’ as he fucking flips me across the room.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m never becoming a Robin, Damien would murder me. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’m not cut out for this shit. I’ve had countless sleepless nights, even with the knowledge I’m safe, I can never sleep properly without medication. It’s a problem, I know. Thus, I would conclude, everytime I had an internal argument on taking up Robin’s mantel, I would never get that lovely 8h of sleep if I were to become Robin.

Meanwhile, as I’m fantasizing about my plans to take Sadiq down with the new learnt moves Bruce has taught me, I walked around the house. Then one day, I saw a figure looming over a picture in the library. Fuck is that a ghost? I’ve always heard stories from Dick that the manor had tons of wandering spirits.

As I inspected closer, it was a man. Around 6’2, in a grey tactical suit with a red bat symbol. As he sensed someone’s prescence, his head suddenly turnt to my direction, staring right back at me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked, getting ready to fight if there was a need.

He laughed, “What the fuck are you doing here? Alfred let me in don’t worry. “ He paused awhile and continued, “OH you’re the girl, Alfred’s talking about! You’re a clone or something right? Hi, I’m Jason Todd, former robin, now red hood.” He remarked.

“What th- First of all fuck you, I lost my memory I’m not a fucking clone. Second, name’s Jasmine, you shitfuck.” Shit was that too rude? FUCK.

Jason chuckled,”Woah, feisty. Nice to meet you Jasmine. Are you planning to fight Damien to overthrow him as Robin? Or are you going to take the Spoiler route?”

“Huh, definitely fighting Damien.” I joked.

Jason and I… We hit it off. It’s kinda like the dynamic I have with Dick, only much much more inappropriate. I talked all the way into the night as he drove you to what he termed “the most beautiful view in Gotham”.

“Woah.” I marveled at the city lights of Gotham city as both of us reached the rooftop of a rickety old brick building. “I gotta admit Jason, I had my doubts.”

“Never judge a book by its cover clonegirl.” He remarked.

“Fuck you.” I rolled my eyes.

Both our feet hung off the rooftop, sitting next to Jason’s childhood gargoyle, letting the stillness of the night fill the atmosphere. The view was amazing.

However, as I looked down, cop cars raced off along the road. I was reminded of the crimes that people were committing during Gotham nights. Then one thought led to the other, I was in Sadiq’s Lab again, filled with fear. Agony. Pain. Fuck this wasn’t the first time I’m having these flashbacks, but every. Damn. Time. It feels the same.

“Jason, do you ever have flashbacks?” I broke the silence.

“Of wha- Oh. Yea. I have them. Not the best thing when it happens. Although it did make me zone out when I was tortured down in Qurac.Why?” He remarked.

“Huh, nice. I just don’t know what to do. You can’t stop the images from forming you know? It’s not… I can’t.” My brain was not working.

“Fuck, what happened Jasmine?”

“I was tortured too. By a man named Sadiq. For months, the pain I was put through was unbearable. But he just won’t let me die. Whenever I wake up, my wounds, even a punctured lung, stab wounds… They’ve all been healed.” I rambled, before I knew, tears started streaming down my cheeks. “ Oh fuck. Sorry. You really don’t have to know that.”

“Hey hey, its going to be ok. You can cope with it. You’re here now right? Let’s start with that” Jason said, as he hugged be. Oh god. The warmth that radiates off him. I want this hug to last forever.

I sniffed, “I guess you’re right.”

I asked him all questions on coping with all these and he has been the best support. Don’t get me wrong here, Alfred and Bruce has helped me so much through these weeks of rehab but the emotional trauma… I don’t want to cast that burden on them, or anyone.

Jason and I, I realized, shares a lot of common things. We went through surprisingly similar experiences, similar tastes, humor…

“And that was how I knew I’ve done fucked up this time.” Jason concluded on his story on bringing a muddy raccoon back into the manor when he was 15. We were sitting shoulder to shoulder, sitting closer and closer together as our conversation and the night went on.

As we watched the sunrise, I rested my head on his shoulders. I felt him tense up. Ohhh shit, bad move Jasmine. He relaxed again as he let out a breath, resting his head on mine. Relief washed over me.

“We talked an entire day.” Jason cleared his throat as he got up from the ledge, “We should get some rest.” I guess he must’ve seen the disappointed look on my face. He then added,” You free tomorrow? Let’s go on a day trip to NYC.”

“Yea sure.” I chuckled. Is he leading me on? I don’t know.

As we arrived at the porch of the manor, we said our farewells.

“See you tomorrow, pick you up at 0800. Rest well doll.” He said, with the most mischievious looking smile ever.

“See you soon Jay.”

Thank you for 100 followers and for surviving this long ass read at my first shot at a fanfiction! I opted to go for 1st person instead of reader x Jason fic as I found it more challenging to write from that POV.This story also starts off on the first few issues of RHATO Rebirth. If i can, I’ll be following this series close to the current comics! :) Also, much much more fluff & action is planned out for this series! (I’ll keep on writing no matter) Already planned out a tie-in for #25 so hope yall would like it! Hope this concepts works out with logic haha. Any suggestions/tips for writing, pls comment! Much appreciated :) AND ALSO WHAT A TIME TO POST THIS YALL IMMA KICK START JASON TODD BIRTHDAY WEEK HERE WITH THIS STAY TUNED xoxo

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thatjwguy · 6 years ago

Video

youtube

Bullet For My Valentine - Tears don't fall (Lyrics)

Well, not really a better title for this sorta post... i personally have been making amends with my past and or present. This song indirectly says everything that i would like to say in this post to be honest. still i feel i should elaborate to some extent as to not leave people in the dark, i feel like that much is owed to the person who decides to read this post. so before we go further, just know im not a hardcore emo fan, just like this particular song since it speaks volumes to my current situation. Nothing against people who love this style, i see the appeal.

This is going to border on the lines of insanity but its really more of a spiritual issue. How shall i start this trip down my rabbit hole of weirdness. Lets go back 3 or so years ago. This is about the time i had my first breakdown, it was induced by weed but not the cause of it. I was already predisposed to this disorder from the get go, iv done some research on this already. Look up how marijuana does not cause symptoms of schizophrenia but that it can induce it depending upon the individual who uses the substance. just wanted to point these things out in case someone trys to label me a anti-pot advocate or something to that effect.

Im gonna lay this all out as clear as possible but without pointing fingers or making anyone feel bad. This was all my own doing, my mind took a break and decided to go on vacation. I was in this trance-like state for quite awhile after the initial break. I started to see hallucinations, visions, apparitions, hear voices and so on and so forth. Mental illness should never be taken lightly, neither do the spiritual elements to this world we currently live in. Sorry for leaving ya hang for a bit, i just feel these sorta things should be put up front so the reader has and idea of where im coming from. So, lets continue i promise not to go on too long of tangents, at least i hope not.

Three years is a while to be dealing with stuff like this, it takes a major toll on you as a person. People tend to shrug off stuff like this as if can be as simple as just flipping a switch, let me tell ya, nothing could be further from the truth. While i was in the midst of this mental delusion or breakdown i was also dabbling with the occult to some extent, well i was trying to expose things in the world related to the occult. I listened to people like Alex Jones and other truthers out there on the interwebs. Perhaps i had the break for a reason, since opening your eyes to the world around you really does have a deep impact on you as a human. I guess some people arent ready to be awakened to the matrix, i feel like i fit the bill for that one.

I was also deep into certain forms of entertainment, which may or may not be within the realm of the occult to some degree. I won't say they are, just that spiritually speaking, we are all exposed to this world, spiritual darkness/light does exist so we must come to terms with this idea right now. These forms of entertainment were that of heavy metal music, horror movies, video games etc. etc. So you could begin to see how this might play a role in someone's environment not being so healthy, not to mention genetic predispositions or trauma experienced during childhood. So no blame is being put anywhere here, just need to lay it all out there so people can fully understand what could possibly make situations worse for people suffering from these illnesses.

Again, i must apologize since i do babble, i am laying out the groundwork for how all of this happened and help others understand it better. So in this day we live in people believe in many ideologies. Too many to name right off but i will mention that i did try to do the New Age thing at one point during all this. Since the voices kept insisting this was some form of ascending or something to that effect. You hear terms like this often with New Age beliefs, ascended masters, 3rd eye-opening, gods/goddess, soulmates/twinflames. All sorts of interesting perspectives to the things that are actually happening. I say that since i come from a biblical background, i believe this is just a deception from the Devil, not some form of spiritual awakening (False Awakening).

I mention the twin flame thing since that seemed to be something they wanted me to know about, they wanted to lead me in a direction that i was somehow spiritually connected to people i was never actually connected to. I fell into a trap in my mind, thinking it was real and that i was somehow connected to celebrities or public figures iv never even met. Just cause my mind was gone, and also since with this belief, people do actually think they are all connected to one another universally or something like that. Like some sort of cosmic beehive that we are all apart of, we can tap into that only if we go through the ranks and reach Christ consciousness. Again i don't believe these things, its just what i see out there. I would encourage you to investigate this for yourself.

Everyone has the desire to know more about their existence, so thats what i was trying to do. To figure out where i came from or how everything came to be. The problem was my heart/mind was not in the right place. I was doing things for selfish reasons. I not only wanted to be apart of something more than myself, i also wanted to have things i could not have. So perhaps this was that outlet for me, to live out a fantasy of sorts but in a spiritual way since in reality, i knew something like this could not be. I wanted to believe i could connect with people on a conscious leavel, like a telephone call or something like that. With the new age, they say you can tap into that christ like consciousness and experience something along the lines of telepathy.

So, that's how i thought for a while, that the voices were like a telepathic line to some of these people. I fell in love with that idea until i found out it was a deception. Why wouldn't you want to believe you had some sort of ability to talk to people using only your mind. Since my heart was in the wrong place tho, i ended up abusing what i thought was power. I used it to try indirectly message people. Thinking i was actually talking to the people in my head, even though that was never the case. This is why i called it insanity in the beginning, you cant make this stuff up folks, i thought i was talking to people in my head in real life. Not only that but i also had lucid dreams involving those people. So in my reality, this was happening, no matter how you explained it to me.

This is how the trap was laid out for me, i fell for it hook line and sinker. I also developed an obsession with some of the celebrities associated with the voices in my head. Thinking they knew about all of it too, just not really coming right out and saying it since they don't want to damage their image or make things public you know. I mean really, who would come out and make something like this public, they would look pretty insane just like i am right now. So, let me be clear, iv had psych help and meds help me to come back to reality since all of this happened. I no longer believe any of this, i just think i had a really wild fantasy that turned out to be a spiritual and psychological problem.

As wild as it may appear, i think many out there do believe these sorta things. Look up youtube videos. People do believe they can have astral sex or spiritual sex with spirits or other people. So, im not that crazy for believing these things. Many people fall into these traps wanting to believe in something more, which isn't all bad, just misguided thats all. My main issue tho is that i was torn between two different women in my head, even more if i wanted to be completely honest with myself. I had talked myself into believing i was telepathically connected to women i would never have a chance with in real life. That they even wanted me at one point... yeah, pretty bizarre thinking pattern i know. So, kids dont do drugs or dabble in the occult cause you might get sucked into thinking you have godlike powers lol.

I suppose my heart was just torn on the people i admired or had a crush on, perhaps at one point i even considered polyamory as an option. I was so selfish in thinking i could have these things and never really stopping to think, well what do they think about this, or i don't even deserve this at all. Just the gull in that line of thinking alone is enough to make me almost hate myself for even trying to make these fantasy women love me, all of them. I was basically being a player in the spiritual sense. So, yeah, you can guess how all of that played out. Many fights inside my head about beliefs and even with the women in my head. You wanna know what insanity is, try having imaginary voices of pissed off women in your head every day for 3 years.

You may ask yourself, do i still hear them. Yes to some degree i do, but medications and therapy have helped me cope with all of this. Do i still love the people who are in my head, yes on a human level i still love them very much. Despite it all being just in my head, i just want them to be alright and know i was never trying to hurt them, just wanted to be loved by someone. Yes, it does appear to me that i needed to fix the wrong i had done, even if it was just in my head, the voices are still very real and do get mad when you act out or are a jerk, just like in real life. So i have used that as a tool to help me grow as a person, knowing we are all flawed and make mistakes. I needed to mend my mind and make peace with them. So this is also how im doing that, trying to make peace.

In the end i was completely off the deep end in all this thinking, now i must live with the choices iv made. Even if iv never really hurt anyone in the real world, i still need to make this right, just on a personal level. Also even in Gods eyes, this could be something very real to him, doing things of that nature. Imagine, people do actually do things of that nature in the real world, play games with people and make them feel like they are the only one. When i reality they are cheating around every corner with some other person, either just because or for other unknown reasons. Maybe they just never see eye to eye or people just want to live that rock n roll style life and bed multiple partners just for the sake of saying they did. For me tho, i really want just one woman, just one who i know will be there for me and will stick with me no matter how hard it gets, Even with my mental illness she sees im a good man, trying to make it work.

I know a woman like that still exists out there despite all the BS you hear from other men or even women for that matter. Perhaps i will find her in my faith, which is the thing Jehovah God would want, or maybe in the world. Some things are better left unknown. Just know that when the time is right, it will happen, not by force, but just because we are both ready to be in a committed relationship, not matter what gets in our way, we will have faith. Yes, this just turned into a post about me having women trouble, not entirely but yeah, i am pretty caught up in these things in my head so i must be honest with you. So now i guess you have a bit more insight into the way my mind works. Never again will i go into this much detail about my psych break. So consider yourself blessed or cursed with more knowledge of this random dude on the internet.

Im about done here, so thanks for dropping by to go down this deep pit of my mind. I love you for doing that, just for caring enough to sit through this long and drawn out post about a guy having women problems in his head, its much more than just that but yeah. That's just the overly simplified version of this mess so that i don't get people too confused. Even though im betting you stil are, even i find myself still questioning these things from time to time. Well, that about does it, i have to get going, the voices are telling me i need to go play the new spiderman game that just came out, yes it is very awesome, i would definitely recommend you try it.

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chasing-rabbits · 5 years ago

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Looking through your blog I can’t find any pro vegan posts...

Uh? I am a vegan blog....I dont know what you mean by pro vegan I would argue most of my posts are pro vegan? What specific posts did you have in mind to classify as pro vegan?I am sorry am I getting attacked here for not being a big enough advocate on my own damn blog? Okay first off this blog was made whenever like a year or more ago and was left dormant for awhile if you go into my archive you’ll see I didnt post regularly recently I’ve started using it again. During that time I’d gotten a twitter I got into a lot of twitter discussion debates and outright arguments defending veganism and being ‘pro vegan’ as you put it.It drained the fuck out of me it made me angry and feel sad and disheartened at how people had no empathy so if you mean you can’t see me arguing with carnists on a daily basis on this blog then no you will not find any arguing on this blog or you’ll find minimal amounts of it.Honestly this blog is my nice place to talk to OTHER vegans okay. I dont particularly want to engage with trolls because a majority of people on here who want to scour the vegan tags that aren’t vegan are trolls who just wanna shit on us just like the dude on twitter mid january who posted a picture of a pig and then mhhm bacon underneath the image in the veganuary tags who I DID call out and so on bcos that pissed me the fuck off.I’m sorry that I am not vegan enough for you anon but you know that is life. Now if you want to see what I consider pro vegan then it’d be me reblogging posts about vegan foods vegan nutrition vegan statistics about stuff.I do not reblog gore or upsetting images no because MY mental health cannot handle that and tbh it doesn’t really do much online at least to shock someone into going vegan because unlike on the street you cant really have a heartfelt conversation about what they’ve just seen on the monitors behind them its more just someone scrolling along and getting angry and us just getting mostly ignored because people act online ruder and louder than they would in public so they react with that typical anger when their cognitive dissonance is broken they aren’t likely to do that in the street in front of everyone they’ll be more civil and listen and then hopefully see past the anger and change. Now do you mean that I myself do not make a lot of posts? Well yes you’d be right I don’t make a lot of text posts about much of anything if i am honest. I reblog or I upload pictures and things I find on weheartit. But I wasnt aware I had to make the text post for it to be my beliefs and be pro vegan pretty sure if I just reblog something pro vegan that is me also being pro vegan.Also again I really don’t know but this came off as hostile so I am being a bit defensive maybe you are genuinely curious I do not know I’ve just logged on its 6am and the first thing I see on my blog is this message. I don’t get what your issue is? I have reblogged plenty of things about veganism so...I mean most of this blog has vegan posts on it every day im on here posting im reblogging vegan related posts alongside other things like cute cats and mental health stuff. What do you actually expect from my blog then to be considered pro vegan? I was not aware there was a certain check list all vegans had to meet to be considered pro vegan....I mean you are literally talking to a vegan right now whose been one for 5 years 6 this september...So tell me this 5 year long vegan is me being vegan and reblogging vegan posts now not enough does every vegan have to be out on the streets shouting meat is murder to be considered a tru ‘pro vegan’ i dont know I dont quite get the use of your phrase pro vegan because surely me being a vegan is more than pro vegan I AM ONE...so...???I am totally and absolutely confused where this has come from what hornets nest have I angered over night for me to get this anon?Here is some posts on my blog:https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/181887909275/animals-are-sentient-living-beings-who-form-close

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/180652539520/i-have-said-it-once-and-i-shall-say-it-til-i

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/180103502360/shit-carnists-say

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179940285705/oh-my-god-people-in-the-comments-telling-me-its

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179941347680/their-pulling-out-all-the-stupidest-anti-vegan

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/179361081260/vegan-logic-preaches-about-compassion-but-also

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/181939488190/carnists-act-like-vegans-are-the-only-ones-eatinghttps://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188689013555https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188788223839/acti-veg-it-is-often-said-that-if

https://vegan-ism101.tumblr.com/post/188810572135

This is just some I found....Enjoy...I feel like you didnt look very hard into my blog did you now.And in before you say these posts are from early last year and before that in 2018 well thats because for the past year I’ve been fighting with PALS and been very mentally unstable whilst being refused treatment stigmatised and even more ive had multiple doctors and specialist appointments because ive been physically sick so I’ve not exactly felt as up to making the posts you can see ive made on this blog prior because my real world life was falling apart and for the first time in 4 years i self harmed again by smashing my head against a brick wall and a fridge and so on so yeah my life irl wasnt great and i didnt want to come on here and also be dealing with idiots so in before you try and mention these posts arent within the last 6 months or so.

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sciencetynan · 5 years ago

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Oh thanks for that long reply, it made a lot of sense. So youll always have a different perspective of a memory if we were to ever experience the same thing. Sometimes, how my brain works, it's like I'm trying to translate the experience of a movie into words. Like yesterday. I went into your inbox with the 'snapshots' of trying to make you smile ai guess? Or to explain (poorly) how I got out of social anxiety in hopes you could Idk Feel better? But I did the opposite. I felt terrible (...)

(…) I felt terrible. I actually teared up when I realized what I unleashed on you by not having enough oversight on my words. Because it’s emblematic of my entire social foil. No matter how prepared I feel, language is like a test I’m constantly failing. I don’t know how much of it is me not using the right words to describe the snapshots in my head that I’m trying to get across, and how much of it is the person’s reaction that cannot be helped no matter what I say. (…)

(…) I constantly just feel like the real me is behind a glass wall where I can see out but no one sees in. Anyways yeah I think I can picture aphantasia now. Back to your keys example. So you’re you. You realize you forgot your keys. Does this realization feel like an impulse of words that say something like “oh shit they’re on my bed.”? But you don’t hear the words, you just feel the impulse that those string of words imply? (…)

Because if so, that’s how my brain works only it’s an impulse of a visual, condensed into a quick feeling. So I’m in that situation now. I’m me. I realize I forgot my keys. This realization in my head is me seeing the moment I walked out of my house without them, and me seeing the keys where I last saw them. There are no words at all. But it’s really quick and condensed down into a visual impulse of “KEYS ON BED.” And not to out myself as a creep but I can see everyone I’ve ever met. (…)

The vividness of their features fades over time if I haven’t seen them in awhile, or it’s vague if I’ve only seen photos. Ive seen a picture of you so I can see a vague you in my mind but it’s not as detailed as people I actually met. Like a light haired blueish eyed brunette white dude is your mental avatar. But yeah it’s also got it’s downsides. I think you’re right that aphantasia helps you in regards to death. My nonna died when I was 11. I can still remember her face, I can hear her (..)

It’s not so bad when I’m awake because I can choose what to think about. In my dreams, sometimes all the dead come back to life. So many dreams where I can hear, see, smell my loved ones and I’m with them again only to wake up and realize my dreams are haunted by ghosts. it’s quite gothic and emotional. So when you think of stars, does thinking of it look like words in your mind saying, “twinkling lights on black background?” But you don’t hear words, just the essence of what they mean?

–

Back to your keys example. So you’re you. You realize you forgot your keys. Does this realization feel like an impulse of words that say something like “oh shit they’re on my bed.”? But you don’t hear the words, you just feel the impulse that those string of words imply?

Basically I just have this immediate thought that, my keys are missing, and then I try to think of the last place I thought I had them. And sometimes I know exactly where they might be, and sometimes its just a guess. The only words might be me thinking, ‘shit I left my keys on my bed’. But I just know where they are, because my brain has encoded its visual location in a way that’s recognizable to me, so I know where to find it. Hard to explain. I’m very good at my brain mapping visual things, so when I go to that environment I can recognize them and find them.

So when you think of stars, does thinking of it look like words in your mind saying, “twinkling lights on black background?” But you don’t hear words, just the essence of what they mean?

It depends on whether I’m thinking specifically of the stars as a visual representation, or as information. If I think of a star as an image, I don’t see anything, but I feel that my subconscious is thinking of a star. Which to me comes to me as a thought of a star’s surface with its magnetic fields and moving surface or it might be a twinkling star in the sky. It all represents what I believe my inner mind is visualizing about a star, but because I cannot experience visualization directly I don’t see it, but the information feels as if I had seen it. If I’m thinking literally I might start thinking about facts about stars, or the definition of a star, but these are two completely different things to me.

To me aphantasia when it comes to visualization isn’t that I can’t visualize, its that my brain can’t communicate that visualization to my conscious self. There is a strong feeling that I am visualizing something to the extent that I can describe visual things in great detail without actually have seen them. Same goes for my other senses.

#Anonymous

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lilttlewolf · 6 years ago

Text

a Prophecy

part. 3

... the Oracle at Delphi, the weather was dark and rainy. A thick layer of fog hung over the bay around the shoreline of Corinth. Ships gently swayed in the harbor, flames of torches along the temple flickered dimly in the rain. A woman, a girl in her late teens stood, eyes closed while she meditated on her god. Thunder rolled over head, while splits of lighting shot across the dark purple clouds illuminating them for an instant.

Her palms grew sweaty as she concentrated, something was in the air this night, something ...powerful. The incense burned hot, trailing smoke around her and the room. Several priests stood at a distance for her in needed, but remained at ease along the large entrance doors. Slightly ajar two watched the rain poor down. They spoke softly of the gods, exchanging good thoughts for the rain coming. The crops needed it, the people enjoyed it, and it was always a wonder to behold Zeus’s lightening.

A sudden moan came from the girl then, she gasped. Her breathing was growing ever quicker, heavier as if she was running up a great hill, but her feet weren’t moving at all. But her eyes were, behind their lids they shot back and force. What was she seeing? What was Apollo telling her? One of the priest walked closer to the Pythia, she was sweating now, it dripped down her chest and ran down her neck. Her hair was pulled back in a long braid swung over her shoulder. It swayed slightly, he noticed then it was because she was trembling.

She dropped to her knees with a gasp then, He along with the other priest stood just by the alter, not daring to interfere till her vision was complete and ready to incase she needed anything. The thunder hit again with a booming crack against the night sky. The ships in harbor swayed with the light breeze and the rolling currents brought from the sea.

“..someone is coming, someone who... does not belong..” she inhaled deeply trying to regulate her breathing she inhaled through her nose and exhaled through her mouth. “..they don’t belong but can save. They don’t belong” she dropped her head, hands touching the floor she groaned. “..they don’t belong anywhere” she inhaled sharply. “..somethings coming, we need the hero of Greece, we need.. the misthios with a great weapon..” the girl gripped tightly the fabric around her knees, she groaned again as if struggling with an intense pain. “.. there is a wolf and an eagle.. only they can save greece for what’t to come..” and with her last words, the pythia toppled to the ground.

The two priests rush to her aid along with several guards. She has only passed out, but not before giving everyone around the room a glimpse into what’s to come. The two priests look at each other then, and with a mix of concern and confusion, assist the young priestess up.

“We’ll need to contact Horodotos.. he may know the whereabouts of the misthios girl who came through here not long ago,” one of the priests mentions.

“Yes, but we must be discrete. We do not know of the dangers in Corinth let alone through out Greece. We must find the mercenary first and then she may be able us discover who else the pythia was speaking of”

As the rain continued to poor throughout Corinth, the thunder was just beginning off the islands of Kephalonia. With a subtle crack of distant lighting and the hints of rain to come. An horse moved quickly up a hillside toward an abandoned home.His rider had her cloak up protecting from the rain beginning to sprinkle down, her kicked at his sides to quicken his pace. Shifting into a canter he loped his way along the road. She held the ponies reins easily, this spirited creature was not foreign to her, she had much experience with the islands wild horses. The lean build and quick legs of the creature had them swiftly moving up the road past Mount Ainos toward home.

It wasn’t much, just a basic sandstone structure, built literally in what remained of an old temple some years before. Pieces of the columns and structure still sat scattered about the property, along with pieces of broken pots littering the front yard. Several baskets sat by the well, one full of now old moldy fruit, the other what looked to be kindling for a fire. A pile of ropes and several vases sat on the top steps by the front door. It was still closed. For a moment she had wondered if someone hadn’t moved in while she had been away, it had been nearly two month since her departure from the godforsaken island. She was only back to get the rest of her things and the remaining drachmae Marcus owed her.

Several lines that had held clothing now only held drenched clothe, she grumbled with a sigh, it’ll be awhile before she has any dry clothes to change into. Hoping off the horse with a splash of mud up her legs, she rolled her eyes and sighed, “mala’ka..” she walked him into a small covered paddock leaning off the side of the house. He bobbed his head in minor protest to the strange place, she clicked at him and tugged at the reins till he released and followed her into the dry stall. Tying off his reins to a post she untied a bedroll and a bag of previsions. Tossing them aside she pulled off the thick pad and now soaked fur, with another heavy sigh she rested them on the fence to hopefully dry out ..eventually. Glancing out into the rain she watched the sky change from black to a glow of purple and then a crack of thunder. “Zeus must have something to say this evening,” With a frown she closed off the stall area with two wooden beams, grabbing her things she went inside, out of the weather.

_____________________ about a mile away

I was convinced it was a dream, some kind of traumatic, repressed nightmare that i just hadn’t woken up from yet. That somewhere else, physically i was in a hospital, in a gown, with an IV in my arm and all kinds of machines beeping and flashing, and at any moment i would feel Raquel holding my hand and i would wake up. It was that simple, so whats a little mental walk in the rain, following a wolf no less. I nearly laughed, this was a dream, it had to be.

Bare feet slide through mud, it was getting colder now. I could see my breath as i struggled to keep up with my furred companion. He would wander up a distance out of sight and then just as im about to feel concerned, he would appear again. It was still jarring every time i caught his eyes on me. My heart would flutter and i would remind myself it wasn’t real. But every time i saw those golden yellow eyes piercing for me through the night, somewhere deep within my chest, i knew he was real. The rain on my skin, the soaked clothes on my back, the strain in my legs as i couldn’t climb over one more broken piece of a destroyed temple. These busted pillars were now like natures road bumps, everyone had to be climbed over of walk around. By the time i caught up to the wolf he was sitting near a tree, looking out over an edge. I moved to stand near him, his presence soothing and yet haunting all at once. He glanced up to catch sight of a bird caught in the rain. An eagle glided down toward a house, it was older, and tattered with old remnants of more temple pieces.

I watched the house a moment, not believes the wolf seemed to have lead me here. There appeared to be no lights on, seriously?! no, fires maybe, i rolled my eyes and told myself.

It all appeared to be dark, i sighed and attempted to fight off the chills by standing as straight as i could. Nope, the movement had even my shortness bump into a low hanging branch, now sprinkled with more cold water. I hunched my shoulders and clenched my fists. Breathing out i could see my breath and grumbled, “fine,” i spoke more to myself than ‘Elio’ but he seemed to know of what i meant and turned to find me a path down the pile of temple steps and pillars.

A hot fire and warm food was all she wanted, something dry to wear and even a bottle of unfinished wine. She grinned and pulled the scarf away, unclipping the pendant on her shoulder pad she tossed it aside. Setting the bottle back down on the table she searched for the candles she new to be by the stairs. In and instant the home was illuminated by a soft glow, she glanced around the space she used to call home, now dusted over and a bit more of a mess than she remembered leaving it. ‘Phoibe’, she thought with a heavy sigh and set the candle on the table to light a few more. Two torches hung along the wall up stairs to her bedroom, a simple sleeping area with a walk out villa. It was definitely not the ones in Athens, she thought recalling the perfect tiles and images, the smell of perfumes and flowers. The delicate silk and the view most all. As she blinked back to her reality of a dark stormy coastline. Ithaka becoming illuminated for a moment by a flash of lightening. “i never expected to be back here,” she spoke to herself in the glow of the light.

Pealing away her leather armor she set it aside on a wooden trunk, unstrapping her calf guards she tossed them near the trunk along with her sandals as well. Flopping onto her back on her bed mat she closed her eyes for a moment, listening to the rain splashing outside, the roll of thunder, the horse whining below. Her eyes came open with a frown, What in all of Hades is it now?! she thought and sat up to grab her sword and spear. It wasn’t a full spear, but a broken remnant from a time of her grandfather, Leonidas of Sparta. Passed down to her mother, than her. She has wielded it since the age of nine. It was more an extension of her than her own hands at times, and now with the looming possibility of a threat she griped it tight and held it close.

Following a near black wolf, in darkness, in the rain was something to be hold i was certain however in the moment it was more disconcerting than anything else. With the slick ground having pulled my feet out from under me twice now i was beginning to think i should just tuck under the closet tree and wait till dawn. However, like every other moment my heart questioned reality and my thoughts began to wonder, ‘Elio’ seemed to sense and appear at my side. Just long enough i could drop a hand onto his back and he lead me through a patch of trees or a thick case of sticker shrubs. It was then i thought i heard something, a voice. The large wolf pranced ahead of me again this time out of sight completely. “Wait,” i tried to call to him but to no avail as another cracking roll of thunder from above only drowned out my attempted call. There it was again, a voice, somewhere in the distance, or perhaps it was just the storm. I slid and stepped my way along toward what i hoped was the direction of the home.

As the woman held her spear and sword she cracked open the front door, watching for any movement, listening for any sound. None came but that of the horse from the storm. “Mala’ka” she grumbled and shut the door.

A sudden cry had her tossing open the door. As she stepped out quickly into the rain, her remaining attempt at dry clothes was gone, the white cotton band around her chest was soaked in an instant as was the white cotton clothe wrap skirt around her waist. Sneaking along the side of the house to peak in on the horse, she saw no one but a restlessly eating island pony. “If you don’t quiet down you won’t make it to dawn,” she turned to go back inside when a large eagle came to rest just underneath the paddock roof on the fence post.

“Ikaras, my friend why are you out in this rain?” he shook himself out and puffed up. The woman crossed her arms and smiled. “Silly bird, storms are not good weather to fly in,” he screeched at her in a chittering way. Looking puzzled she raised a brow. “What are you saying,” he flew off back out into the rain and toward the tree line. She followed his gaze and new then what he meant. With a frown and a low growl seeming to match that of the thunder she crouched low and snuck toward the trees.

The quiet bare feet of a local moved like a shadow in the night, from tree to tree she hide and watched, looking for the intruded to her territory, the small piece of land she called her own. With a small band of trees encircling it she always had to pay attention to the wolves that wandered there. She guessed that’s why the horse was restless. With a frown she steadied her breathing and listening for the noises of padded feet on ground, the panting breathe of the canine.

And then it came, the sound of movement, a rustling of bushes, something moved near the tree just behind her. She spun with her sword extended, nothing was there, a gasp and a stumble from her other side, she spun again, “show yourself wolf!” As the tall woman extened her spear toward the tree that was at her back, there stood not a wolf at all, but a girl. Wide eyed, breathing quick, her chest heaving. She tried to calm her breath and blink the rain from her eyes, it was pouring down now, dripping off the two of them. The cotton clothe carefully bound around her was similar to that of a priestess, long it hung, to the ground and open down the front to her sternum, her tanned skinned was like of a wet stone. She blinked with a look of shock and confusion, starring, who was this? Why was she in the woods, at night in the rain?

The lightening would flash again allowing another momentary glimpse of her, she was no more than her own age, smaller framed, couldn’t weigh more than the wet clothes she was in. Her hair was long and draped down one side, she looked scared, worried with almost pleading eyes. “mala’ka...”

The sound of movement in the trees ahead, i felt the momentary pull to turn back, and yet something pulled at me, dragging me forward as my mind railed me backward. An invisible chain attached to my soul, i was drug toward the sound, the unknown. Her voice was like a pitch in my ears that caused a beam of light in my mind. It was warm to hear, like a soft blanket wrapped around you. I was breathing heavy, my heart banging violently against my ribs, i continued toward out of the brush.

All i was for an instant was her back, she was tall had to be near six feet or so, if not taller. Full of lean muscle, she reminded me of the lady MMA fighters, not bulky but toned, broad capped shoulders, shoulder blades shifted under an ivory, olive ton skin, there were fresh scars there from maybe only a few days ago. It looked infected. She spun around then, and my world stopped on its axis nearly tossing me off.

She has a simple wrap binding her chest, and a short wrapped skirt, her eyes watching me, her mouth slightly dropping open. The rain poured around her, the lightening flashed again and she stepped closer. Only a few feet from me i could smell the rain, sweat and a warm flower oil. Her chest moving slightly, she must have been pretty worked up. Dead god i hope she doesn’t kill me, but then again to be killed by someone that looked like her, i might make an exception, i thought to myself. She was everything the stories said, about the ancient spartan woman, trailed to fight, to be strong. But there was a beauty in her, something.. something i couldn’t define at the moment. I squinted my eyes trying to read her through the blips of total darkness.

“Who are you?” her accent was strange but mesmerizing to hear. Like listening to someone from Italy or Spain. Her eyes watching me with an intensity i had never quite felt the like. It was as if she was seeing more than me, but through me entirely. And then i recalled the fabric of the clothing i wore and my cheeks suddenly flushed and i dropped my curious gaze to glance at myself. Somewhat but not quite see through, it was entirely soaked through.

“...” i opened my mouth and nothing came out. My mind scrambled for something to say, anything to make up.

“What are you doing here, in the rain?” she stepped a bit closer still, tilting her head slightly as if it may assist in her hearing my answer. I could only search and scan, as rapidly as my eyes would allow at every strike of light.

She grabbed my arm then, and turned to pull me toward the way she came. At first i froze, digging my heals in. i didn’t know who this was, i didn’t know where i was or what was going on. It was dark and i was alone, no weapons or a plan. And now this, what, amazon woman has a very firm grip on my arm attempting to what, take me to her home, to her master, to her husband, a brother, a family? i didn’t know and i wasn’t sure i wanted to.

The sudden stop of one motion and the continuance of another. My left forearm protested as it hit its limit which i would move. She stopped and glanced back at me, wide eyed i watched her worried. Another crack of thunder and i knew she felt me flinch. The cold tremble course through me as i began shaking from the chill seeping into my bones. She relaxed her pull but didn’t release my arm, she slid it down closer to my wrist and a little easier this time, attempted to lead me out this time watching me as she tugged me toward her.

“You nor i can stay out in this much longer, Zeus can have quite the temper,” she said it so casually as if she knew him personally.

I blinked as the rain ran down my face and dripped off my jawline. I hesitated a moment but when the tug came, i followed. I glanced back for Elio, he was no where to be seen. This had to be a dream, this had to.

Waiting for the girls response to her question was like watching the sun rise, every little reaction and emotion playing across her face was fascinating and disturbing at the same time. A frown came to be between her brows a moment as if she pondered something instead of speak. This girl was not like any Kassandra had ever seen. She waited a moment still to see if she would respond and still no answer. Frustration now on her end, this rain would drown them both soon enough and the poor this is about as wet as if she crawled out of the sea. She could tell she was trembling too, the cold rain was getting to her.

Without thinking, caution aside she snatched out for the girls arm. Small it was in her grasp, and soft. Why would she notice such a strange thing, she smelt like wood smoke and something else, like wild and raw. She girl froze under her touch, shaking and bewildered. She had struck men down with her hands and touched both men and women in ways that would make even a satyr blush. And yet the thought of frightening this girl caused a bizarre wave of uneasiness in this mercenary. She spoke of zeus but the god that came to mind right then was Artemis.

She’s going to pass out on me if i don’t get her inside, she thought. She relaxed her grip on gently slid her hand lower on her arm, it was soft there too, if she has several wraps around her arms. The girl took a deep breathe and shook one more time before following the taller woman.

What in the name of the gods is she suppose to do with a half drowned girl thats sneaking around in the dark? She frowned as she pulled the girl across the yard, up the steps and into the house where the candle glow continued and allowed a bit more consistent light for a conversation.

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